I'm five million years old, and was born in the now ruined city of Pompeii.
After my ninja father and elven mother died when I was only 2 million years old, I left the safety of an oversized shoe (of which I called my home), and set off into the world to fulfill my destiny- which I found out about from a talking pineapple- which consisted of me falling in love with a male sparkly vampire, who is unable to keep an erection.
Throughout my journey through life, I've come across many a strange thing; all of which I won't tell you because if I do then the killer rabbits of the Moon will be forced to come after you and...eat you? I suppose... Ahem. Er- yes! That's what they'll do.
And so the blah blah blah blah turtle blah blah butter-nut squash blah blah your mother blah blah Tom Felton and I blah blah blah pumpernickel.
I'm currently trying to succeed at World Domination, through being a kick-ass ninja.
As you may have fathomed, I haven't succeeded...yet.